It's Done! It's Done!

Holy Crap!.

I actually finished the first Draft of "Clans"! It fell out at 175,501 words after inserting some chapters and cutting some others. Damn, that feels good! I swear, there were times I thought the thing would never end. I know it only took me 4-1/2 months but it really did seem like an eternity at some points. This is new territory for me, I've never written so much so quickly before. Just doing a quick glance as I was inserting the new chapters I can see there will be MAJOR editing to be done. There are plot points, dialogs and other things that I don't even remember writing in there! Its going to have to sit for a while first. I need to get it out of my head for a bit and approach it with a fresh eye. I'll focus on editing GS and move on to finishing my horror novel next.

So, I was wondering about fear today. I'm afraid of a lot of things and I wonder if that makes me a weak person? I'm not afraid of the things I think most folks are: death, pain, etc. Failure scares the hell out of me though. It's funny (in a sad and pathetic sort of way!) that I can become so frightened of screwing something up that I freeze in place and wind up doing nothing at all. That's always been a problem with my writing until recently. I found it easier to "want to be" a writer than to actually write. That way, there was no risk of failure. That happens to me in a lot of things in my life. Even things like working around my home. I'm reasonably handy and can handle most construction projects without too much trouble but getting started on them is ridiculously hard for me (much to the wife's annoyance!) because I'm afraid I'll screw something up. I'm fine once I start the project, it's just getting to that point that causes me trouble. I'm getting (a little) better at pushing through the fear and just doing what has to be done but I'd hoped that if I did that for a while the fears would fade, or at least lessen.

They haven't.

If anything, now I'm more afraid of failing to push past the fear than I was of the original failure that frightened me. (Take a breath and re-read that. It does make sense. Really. I promise!) So how's that for a psychological nightmare, eh? And here you thought I was such a normal guy! I just wonder sometimes if I'm the only loon with these problems. No one around me seems to deal with this crap, or at least they do a better job of hiding it than I do. Anybody out there besides me ever get heart palpitations because you knew you had to mow the lawn and might accidentally screw it up? (Nah, I didn't think so . . .) Oh well, I'll just carry on and vent my insanity into my writing. Who knows? Maybe the other escapees from the asylum will actually pay money for my work someday . . .

Later!