Today, I want to talk to you about something near and dear to my heart. I'd like to talk to you about CBS.
No, not the television conglomerate, but something infinitely more important to our daily lives. The CBS I'm referring to stands for the:
Corrective Bitch Slap.
Far too often in our crazy, runabout, lives we are faced with the rampant stupidity of our fellow travelers on this hurtling piece of space debris we call Earth. Because of the hectic pace of modern life, we are not able to take sufficient time to explain to these poor, ignorant, souls exactly why they are such incredible morons. Despite our best intentions, we -all too often- allow them to continue on their way without correcting the glaring idiocy that they are radiating to everyone around them.
All because we don't have enough time to explain it to them. Isn't that heartbreaking?
That's where CBS comes in. In a situation where rampant stupidity is displayed, you can simply use the palm of your hand to strike the back of the offender's skull as hard, and as fast, as you can while saying the three letters: "CBS!" out loud. The ignorant fool is made instantly aware of just how moronic they are being and you can go about your day, having wasted little -or no- time, feeling good about having made a change for the positive in our world. Consider this scenario as an example . . . we'll take two office workers named Joe and Jim in a typical conversation.
Joe: "Hey, Jim, did you make the changes to those files like I asked you to for my meeting today?"
Jim: "Well, let's see . . . did you ever e-mail them to me like I asked you to?"
Joe: "Uhhhh, no . . . but I need them for a meeting in ten minutes!"
Jim: <smack!!> CBS.
You see how much time a simple CBS can save in a situation like this? Instead of spending all the time before the meeting explaining to Joe why he's an idiot, Jim is able to move on to the work and Joe is made to realize -instantly- just what a fool he's been.
Let's consider a second example . . . a typical traffic acident on any major highway.
Driver 1: "Lady, you drove up my ass, cut off four cars to get to the left hand lane, then cut back across three lanes to get off at the exit that was only 3oo feet from where you started, side-swiping me in the process!"
Driver 2: "Well, I'm in a hurrrrry!!!! My poodle has a 2:30 hair dresser appointment and if we're late, Madam Fifi just goes all to pieces!"
Driver 1: <smack!!> CBS.
Once more, a simple CBS brings reality home in an instant.
I am here today to ask you to make the effort to apply the principles of a CBS in your own home and community. If we all band together, we can make huge strides in the elimination of blatant stupidity from our daily lives. Apply a CBS to your boss, a friend, co-workers . . . even your own children if they're in danger of being a complete dumb-ass. Remember: a CBS today may help prevent tomorrow's idiocy.
Do it for the ones you love. Do it for your own sanity.
We now return you to your regularly scheduled lives.
This Public Service Announcement has been brought to you courtesy of W.A.S.P. (Writers Against Stupid People), Northeast U.S. Chapter. Any resemblance to real stupid people ,or events, is wholly intentional and anyone complaining about it will be subjected to their own CBS, so piss-off before I get violent and sick a platypus on your ass. Trust me, you do not want a ticked off platypus coming after you!
(Is that enough of a rant for you, SRH?)