Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Death By Wife

The Wife is a giant Coodie who has infected me with microscopic death-mites that are devouring the inners of my nasal passasge even as I type this. They have begun the process of liquifying my brain, the end results of which are leaking from my nose. My lungs and throat have also been invaded. I can tell by the burning pain of the sulfuric acid they use as a power source. Traces of it are left behind on my esophagus as they tunnel their way deep into my respiratory system, intent on disrupting my ability to convert oxygen. Oxygen is carried to the brain, where it reacts negatively with death-mite's acid core, slowing the process of brain liquification. The key for a death-mite victory is to first ensure that I can no longer breathe, then the reign of physiological terror they plan for my body can begin in earnest . . .

Oh, alright!

She gave me a friggin' head-cold, okay? Sheesh, you're all so hung up on the whole honesty thing! My descriptions are so much more entertaining . . .

Anyway, I'm feeling like crap and struggling through work. Traveling today, so that makes it even worse (sigh) I just wanna go home and go to bed. That would violate my rule of misery though. What? I never told you my rule of misery? It's simple really: "If you're going to be miserable, at least get paid for it." In other words, never take sick days when you're actually sick! :-)

I really have to be deathly ill to call out of work. The only time I do it is when there are large amounts of bodily fluids being expelled from multiple orifices (orifi?) Sorry, I know you didn't need that visual. When I'm sick I drag my ass to work and tell people to stop at my office door and talk to me from there. I try not to interact with folks too much but I'll be damned if I'm gonna eat a personal day lying in bed and moping at home.

Weekend was good - went to see "300" with The Boy on Saturday. It was better than I though it would be. Not much in the way of plot, but for entertainment it was pretty cool. Sunday we did the annual Easter Egg Hunt at my sister-in-law's house. There was a whole lotta rugrats scampering about! I like that though. Kids entertain me. I think I spent more time playing with the little ones thatn I did talking to the adults . . . less headache that way!

I did another five chapters of type-in on "Slayer" over the weekend. That puts me just short of the 1/2 way mark. (Yea, I know. I said it would be done by now but life ain't cooperatiing. Especially not the head-cold!) It's been weeks since I did any new writing either. I should kick myself in the ass over that but I've got so much editing work to do as it is, I don't know that I really need much more new stuff at the moment!

Anyway, just checking in to say I'm alive (at least until the mites finish the brain melt!) and kicking.


Thursday, April 05, 2007

Thursday With God

Thursday again. Time for another installment from our favorite All-Powerful Divinity . . .

Greetings, all.

First off today, Jim wants me to apologize for my snootiness towards my questioners last week. He tells me I was a bit harsh (and won’t let me keep blogging here if I don’t say “sorry”!) so . . . Sorry.

What can I tell you? Supreme Beings don’t have a lot of social interaction, ya know? I spend most of my time surrounded by Angels and Enlightened Spirits. Their idea of a good conversation with me consists of groveling at my feet and hollering: “Yes, Lord! Thou art wonderful” to every damn thing I say. To be honest, it gets pretty damn tedious after a few hundred millennia. That brings me to my topic for today (which I had to come up with on my own, since none of you left me questions last week! Thanks a lot. It’s not like I have anything else to do all week but think of topics to blog on! I mean, I’m only GOD after all!) Anyway, my topic today is the correct way for humans to Worship . . . Me!

Webster’s defines the word as follows:

1 chiefly British : a person of importance -- used as a title for various officials (as magistrates and some mayors)

2 : reverence offered a divine being or supernatural power; also : an act of expressing such reverence
3 : a form of religious practice with its creed and ritual
4 : extravagant respect or admiration for or devotion to an object of esteem (worship of the dollar)

Well, we can discount the first definition since I’m not British and I certainly rank above their effete bureaucrats. The last definition doesn’t really apply, since –as God- no amount of respect toward me can be considered extravagant! The middle two definitions are the ones I’m concerned with. All too often, they are seen as being pretty similar but they’re really not. Most of you folks worship through definition three: a form of religious practice with its creed and ritual. You show up at church, mosque, or synagogue, say “Hosanna” a few times, and off you go back to your creepy little lives. Worship done, right?

Yeeeaaaa . . . not so much.

Look, I don’t give much of a damn about stuff like that. I’ve got enough sycophants hanging about The Pearly Gates. I don’t need any more down here. Wanna really worship Me? Take a close look at definition number two: reverence offered a divine being or supernatural power; also : an act of expressing such reverence. The key word here is “reverence”. What kind of reverence am I looking for? Well, for starters a bit of respect towards my creations would be appreciated! How about picking up your trash once in a while? Maybe stop pumping sewage into my beautiful rivers? Oh! I know: how about something simple like not killing each other? Too much? Fine, we’ll start simpler. How about not using small animals for cosmetics testing?

What I’m trying to say is, I don’t give much of a damn if you show up for whatever church it is you belong every week. Truth is, that has nothing to do with me anyway. All I want is for you to live your lives as best you can and take a moment to look about once in a while and say “Wow. Cool world, God.” That’s it. It’s like your grandmother making you a big dinner. She doesn’t expect you to pay for the groceries, or ask you to do dishes after. You’re there at her request, as a guest, and she expects nothing in return. A “Great dinner, Grams!” is always appreciated. 'Side from that, I’m sure she’d be a bit miffed if you decided to pee on her couch and start poking holes in Mr Fluffy, the poodle, with her good silverware. Getting the point? Just treat me and my house (re: all existence!) with the same respect you’d show Grams and we’re cool. I don’t need sacrifices, offerings, prayers, and praise out the hoo-hah. I’m Omnipotent, folks, do you really think there’s anything I need from you that I can’t have with a snap of my fingers? I put you here cuz I like you. You don’t owe me anything. Just do what you think is right in your life and we’ll talk about how well you did afterward, okay? I don’t want your “worship” any more than Grams wants her five-year-old grandkid to break his piggy bank for three nickels and a slug to pay for the turkey and mashed ‘taters.

Just relax, enjoy the meal, and feel free to loosen your belt and take a nap on the couch afterward. Oh, and don’t worry about the afterlife so much. Think of it as Grams getting desert ready in the kitchen while you’re napping. You may not know what she’s got waiting for you out there but you can rest comfortable, knowing it’s gonna be good. Keep that image in mind and you’ll sleep a lot easier at night.

Last thing: please leave me some questions this week, will ya? I like getting some feedback from you hairless apes now and again.

I’m out

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Tired Now

Okay, I am officially tired now.

Driving all over the Tri-state area for the past two days, rolling out and training on a software package that everyone hates. It boggles the mind - the package is a legal requirement by the State, yet everyone feels the need to tell me (at great length!) why it's stupid, pointless, and they shouldn't have to use it. i point out that's a discussion they need to have with their elected officials, since I'm just the schmuck who was ordered to make it all work but it seems I'm easier to locate and much more likely to listen than your average politician. Fun thing is, I still have three more offices to go next week. Woo-frikkin-hoo!

Good news? Well, I did the first five chapters of type-in for "Slayer" last night. That's good. I will try for more tonight but as I said: tired. just wanna sleep and/or zone out for a bit.


Monday, April 02, 2007

Where I Be

Monday has returned and the world bites donkey pizzle once more! (Sorry, bad day at work!)

The good news is I finished all the changes to "Slayer" this weekend. (Yay, Me!) Well, the edits anyway. I still have type in to do but that should go pretty quickly. I have some free nights this week (The Boy is on spring break & staying with the grandparents) so I'm hoping to get most of it done by the end of the week and out into the mail. (Hope springs eternal!) Once that's out, I'm back into the edits for "Fish" (I will finish it by the end of April!) and I need to get back on the first draft of "First". The damn thing is almost done but I can't seem to get motivated and knock out the last few chapters. Well, the weather's warming up and that always seems to get my ass in gear, so we shall see . . .

I'm reading "Demon" by John Varley right now. It's the last book of his Gaea Series and I've been trying to read the damn thing since I was 12! No kidding: I could NEVER find a copy of the damn book! I read the first two ("Titan" & "Wizard") when I was a kid and I've read them both 3-4 times since, but I've never read "Demon". It's nice to finally see how it all turns out after almost 30 years! I love these books. The world is completely outlandish and bizarre, but Varley puts it all together so carefully, and with such detail, that it seems perfectly plausible. Highly recommend them for anyone who like their hard SF with a fantasy twist.

Despite the fact it is the most miserable day of the week, and work is jerking my chain, I'm feeling pretty good today. Making forward progress on the writing, The Wife and I get to spend some adult time together (always nice) for the next few days, and I'm actually back to losing weight again. (BIG YAY!) I've been at a plateau for the last few months, just holding steady and it's nice to see some of the fat is finally fading off again. I'm down eight more pounds in the last two weeks. That works fine by me! I've actually been changing my eating patterns based on some research I've been doing. It seems to be working, but I'll let you all know when I get a bit more on the long term results. It's only been two weeks, so I can't really say for sure. I'm still doing the vegetarian thing though, and loving it. Smartest damn thing I ever did! Even though I haven't been dropping the weight I'd hoped to, I feel 1000% better than I have in years. Just being able to walk without back and leg pain all the time makes it worth the change! It also cleared out my daily heartburn, migraines (2-3 per week) and I sleep a lot sounder than I had for many years.

Suggestion: if you suffer from any of the above problems, try cutting out all meat for 14 days. See how you feel then. If it doesn't help, go back to your regular diet. That's how I started out and after about five days, I knew I wasn't going back. The change is that noticeable, that quickly.

Anyway, enough preaching at you for one day.