Tuesday, October 16, 2007

The Path Taken

I'm not remotely the person who started this blog anymore, did you know that?

Somehow, the simple act of willing a change in myself has actually had the effect that I was after. Don't know why . . . I've "willed" my ass off for fourty years with no appreciable change in my levels of stupidity and general moroseness but this time it seemed to stick. Maybe it's the actuality of my age? The simple realization that at 40, there aren't a whole lot of "some day's" left in my future? A sudden karmic realization that I'm here on a limited visa and my time is at least 1/2 used up? I honestly have no answer for that. All I know is that I ain't that guy no more! (Yea, I know it's a double negative, but it's my blog and I'll fracture the language as I damn-well please! so PHHHHTTTT!!!!)

I think that's a very good thing.

Physically, I'm lovin' life! I'm down over 70 lbs. now (Have I mentioned that a few dozen times already? I don't recall . . .) and I have more energy than I've ever had in my whole life. I can do things that I thought were beyond my reach forever. Unless you've carted about 300 lbs. on your back, you can't imagine what a thrill it is to be able to bend over and tie your shoes without breaking into a sweat, huffing like a train, and hurting your back. (Sadly, no. that is NOT an exaggeration, my friends!) The physical stuff is really only part of it though. The biggest changes have been mental. How so, you ask? Well, for starters, I'm not quite so pissed off all the time anymore. I don't know if The Wife has noticed but it's been quite a while since we've had a fight (I really shouldn't say that . . . it's tempting fate!) True though. Oh, we've had some disagreements, but we haven't even raised our voices at each other in quite a while. I'm just not feeling "angry" anymore. Things don't seem to bother me as much now. I've got clear goals in mind (for once!) and a plan of action to get to those goals that I'm actively working on. I don't feel lost & frustrated all the time. I finally feel like I'm in control of myself and my life.

It's one hell of a great feeling!

I no longer spend all my time sleeping, watching TV, or escaping the dullness of my life inside of fantasy worlds (reading or writing!) I still do all those things, but only when I have some free time and I want to enjoy them, not because they're the only thing I have to turn to. The Wife and I are spending more time together and actually enjoying each other's company (Well, I enjoy her's anyway. She may find me to be a total PITA, but that's her problem!) We go out on weekends and at night I do homework -my own and working with The Boy- and I don't get upset anymore when unexpected changes to our schedule come up, I just roll with it. I'm no longer looking for some grand wind-fall, like hitting the lotter (Or, ya' know: writing the Great American Novel!) to make things "better" for me. I'm making them better every day and I'm liking the journey.

Simple thing: I found myself smiling at my reflection in the mirror this morning when I got out of the shower. That was a startling thing. I've been scowling at myself for so many years, it made me jump when I saw it (okay, so I'm a little unstable, but y'all should know that by now!) Even work seems a whole lot more fun now. It's not the depressing chore it used to be. I come in each day whistling and I head home with a smile still on my face, leaving all the stresses and worries at the door. Some of it is -I'm sure- from the weight loss, but much of it was simply finding something I really wanted to do and going after it, no matter how hard it was. These goals -unlike the writing, which was always a safe "dream" that I could seem to labor at without having to show any real progress, everything I'm doing now has time and deadlines. They're not wishful dreams, but concrete paths I can feel under my feet.

And that, my friends, has made all the difference! (To steal from Mr. R. Frost!)


Monday, October 08, 2007

Crazy Life

Where have I been you ask?

Well, running about like a chicken without a head is where! I've had Scout events each of the last three weekends, plus another coming up. Running The Boy to school events, carrying a full-time college course load this semester, moving to a new office at work, travelling for work, and dealing with family health issues has left me no time for much of anything. This is just an "I'm alive" post, since I have no time for anything else. Tune back in next week and I may have some time to breathe.