Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Apologizing on Behalf of God


Sorry folks, it seems the surprise commentary by The Lord God on Friday caused some unwarranted concern about the status of my health. As of the moment, I do not have "The Big C", I believe Jehova was simply pointing out that if he does decide to give it to me, all my whining won't matter one damn bit. I don't go for my exam until mid June (what's with that, BTW? You call the doctor with: "Um, my GP says I may have cancer!" and they're all: "Ok, well . . . we have an opening in three or four years.") Anyway, I apologize for any panic or confusion . . . but God's like that, ya' know? ;-)

Actually, I heard from my GP today. All my blood woek cme back fine, except for high cholesterol (a stunning score of 270!) which I imagine is not good. The Dr. office left a message on my voice mail that said essentially:

" . . . you should go on a low fat diet and lose some weight. Call us back in 6 months or so and let us know how that works out for you."

Gotta love that Hippocratic Oath, eh?

Oh, and in case you're wondering (like I was!) what the hell the number means, I hit the American Heart Association and found out that your risk for a heart attack is:

Desirable — Less than 200 mg/dL
Borderline high risk — 200–239 mg/dL
High risk — 240 mg/dL and over

So I'm 30 points into the "High Risk" range and my Dr. doesn't even want to see me for six months. So he either figures it's not a real risk or I'll just drop dead soon and he won't have to worry about it.

On other fronts: the weekend was crazed. Working on the house as always but to top things off, my ex-contractor put a screw or something through the wiring that runs my A/C!!!!! Oh dudes, you DO NOT want to be around a woman who has hot flashes when it's 89 degrees in the house and the A/C ain't workin'! The Wife was NOT a happy camper (which of course mean NOBODY was a happy camper in my house this weekend!) I had to stay home this morning to let an electrician in to fix the damn thing. Pissed me off too: I could easily have fixed this myself, but I just don't have the time. It would have meant no A/C until mid-July and that was never gonna fly with The Wife, so I had to cough up nearly $700. AAAARRRRRR!!!!!!!

Ah well, gotta bolt.


Friday, May 26, 2006

A Brief Word From Your Creator

Howdy folks! I just want . . . (swirling clouds flood the sky and crackling thunder sounds)

Please, excuse this interruption of your regularly scheduled blog but following Jim’s comments yesterday I felt the need to respond to his smart-assery and quite a few other comments this jackass has made in the past with regard to My Divine Self.

For starters: his comment that I (God) should “. . . go fuck with somebody else for a change!” was childish and insensitive. I am the Creator of All Things . . . I love all My creations equally and therefore I fuck with them all equally! Don’t believe me, Jim? Go ask Mrs. Daphne Willousberg of Tarmara, Illinois about the extra appendage growing out of her ass, then come back and whine some more about your petty little moles! Good Me, you humans are the most tedious of all My creations! Why can’t you be more like dogs?

Dogs were a big success on My part. They have no opposable thumbs, and have to lick their own asses clean, but do they complain? Hell no! I show up around a dog and they go nuts licking my face and begging to be petted by their Creator . . . I show up around humans and you all wanna tell me about what a bad job I’ve done with the universe. Either that or you start banging your head on the ground and promising to kill a few million infidels in My Holy Name.

What the fuck is wrong with you people????

I mean, can’t you just say: “Hey, God! Nice to see you man. Oh, and BTW: thanks for . . . you know: EVERYTHING!” No, of course not. Instead, jumped up little monkeys like Jim here find it funny to belittle and berate my Vast Eternal Plan because they don’t like the roles they’ve been cast in for this play I call EXISTENCE. Well: tough shit, Jimbo! If I say you get cancer . . . you get cancer and you’ll just have to deal with it! Know why? Because I said so! I am the DIRECTOR, Me-Dammit!

Oh, and if you dare mock Me again, you little piss-ant, I intend to tell your wife exactly what type of web sites you visit when she’s not around. Remember: I see everything, you fat, bald, annoying, little prick!

Anyway, thank you all for listening, I’ll return you back to your regularly scheduled blog now.


The Almighty.

. . . (Jim looking at rolling clouds in confusion) “What was that?? The Weather . . . very peculiar, don’t you think?”

(Brownie points for anyone who catches the reference!)


Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Another Day In The Life

Holy crap . . .

I am only into the fourth chapter of the read-thru on "First" and I already have two full (typed) pages of notes on places and things I need to work out more detail on. By the time I'm done with this damn thing I'm going to have an entire separate book of notes about the original book! Strangely though, I'm looking forward to working some of this stuff out (we'll see how long that lasts!) It's all background stuff that's catching passing reference in the novel (so far) but I have to understand the why and wherefor of it all. Luckily, everything so far has been "What a cool idea! How'd I come up with that?" and not: "Yeek! You actually put this drivel on paper?" (metaphorically speaking - it's all still on the computer right now.)

On the personal front . . . shit's still nuts but I think I'm getting more of a handle on things. Three day weekend ahead, wherein I should get to about the 90% point on the house. (yay!) The following weekend I have a guy coming in to re-finish my hardwood floors (which have been covered by carpet for the last 40 years!) That should make a huge difference. After that, it's all just trim work and decorating. The construction will be pretty much done. Not bad huh? It only took 8 months to finish a project that was supposed to take 6 weeks . . .

I went to the doctor yesterday because I've been feeling like such crap for the past month. I'm pretty sure it's just been stress but with the sordid medical history of my genetic antecedents I felt it best not to take chances. I had blood work done so they can check for diabetes, etc. I don't think they'll find anything, but one never knows. Oh, and just for fun: the doctor is sending me to a dermatologist because he's worried some moles I have on my chest may be cancerous. Well, now isn't that just what you wanna hear to make your day? I think my familiy's done the cancer dance enough times at this point . . . God needs to go fuck with somebody else for a change!

Well, I'm not too worried. I'm bettin' it's just the fact that I'm too damn fat and need to drop a solid eighty or so pounds. (or so!)


Late in the day and I just had a ton more work come my way unexpectedly. Gotta go, I'll yack at y'all tomorrow.


Monday, May 22, 2006


So, we embark upon a new week and Monday (bitch that she is!) endeavors to wreak her usual and misery upon the poor souls of the working masses. She is largely succesful (as always) but sadly for her, she finds in me an unimpressed and jaded victim. After the last few weeks, today seems almost like a vacation day in comparison! (I really shouldn't say that . . . It's just begging for abuse from Fate . . . but I figure: WTF?)

Good weekend actually. The boy went camping (sadly, without me!) and The Wife and I spent two uninterrupted days working on the house. Now, being the clever readers that I know you all are: you're either wondering:

A. How did I survive the multiple murder attempts in order to write this blog?
B. Where did I hide her body and how long until I have to flee the country?

Now, those are both reasonable questions when you consider how nicely The Wife and I work together. Ah, but we struck upon a brilliant plan this weekend! We worked for hours without ever once fighting, nor even aggravating each other. How can this be you ask? (well, ok, I know you didn't really ask but play along, 'kay?) Did we find a new and more effective means of communication? Did we make a personal commitment, based on the strength of our relationship to treat each other with respect and understanding?

Hell no!

She worked in the basement while I worked upstairs. We figured distance could accomplish what love and understanding had failed at so miserably. Worked like a charm, too! (Kiss that, Dr. Phil!) We did get a lot done this weekend. We both busted our humps.

So, on the writing front I think I've run up against something of a problem on "First". It currently stands at about 130,000 words and I realized as I was doing some backtracking -looking for a particular place name- that I have way too much going on here to keep in my head. A few (dozen!) things caught my eye as I was searching through the MS and I was kinds like: "Holy crap! Who the hell put that in there? I don't remember writing that!" The good news is it was all good stuff; nice plot twists and foreshadowing, etc. but I need to get som better organization in place to tie it all together. I am this far into the book and now I have to go back and do some solid world building to make sure I'm keeping it all "real". I've written before about how sloppy I am wth world building . . . I tend to fly by the seat of my pants but this book is already pushing out into an epic scope. I have entire chapters and references to cities, religions and cultures that I know nothing about. That is not gonna work. I'm going to have to go back and re-read "First" from page one (something I never do while still writing the rough draft!) making lots of notes as I go and organizing the sub-plots. See, what originally starte as a simple story with one MC and a love interest has become a multi-character book with six or seven distinct plot lines that will all intersect at a key point. Some of them are epic in scale, with backstory that leads back nearly five millenia . . . OY!

Much work to do before I continue on with the words.

Last minute crazies at work (See? NEVER tempt Fate!) gotta run!


Thursday, May 18, 2006


Hello, kiddies!

Well, I actually got some WRITING done today at lunch! (woo-frikkin'-hoo!) Not much, just 1,000 words or so but it was the first thing I've written in almost a month so it felt DAMMMMMMMMN good! It was needed too, the rest of my day has been nuzzling at the shriveled nether-regions of a deceased tortoise. I swear, there are days when you sit at your desk and realize the only feasible course of action would have been to call in sick. (Of course, by the time you realize that it's too damn late. The whole concept of time proceeding in a linear fashion sucks, and I'm holding God personally responsible for my bad day! If he'd have planned better, time would be interchangeable -like Lincoln Logs- and I'd have been able to put the decision to call out into play before I ever got to work!)

Ah well, since The Almighty failed to consult with me prior to enacting Creation (Big mistake on his part, BTW!) I'll just have to suffer through. The writing does make me feel better. I can at least look back on one part of my day and feel that I did something worthwhile. Tonight, I have to help the boy finish up a school science project. He has to get it done tonight or else we're not letting him go camping with his Boys Scout Troop this weekend. I have to say: I have a problem with the size, scope, and number of assignments his teachers hand out. Better than half the projects need 2-3 days of work and almost always require him to meet up with a schoolmate: outside of school. This is totally unfair. For parents who work, the weekends are the ONLY time we have to spend with our kids and he winds up spending most weekends trying to create the pointless-craft-project-du'jour with some kid he barely knows from his science class. I am not a big fan of homework (can you tell?) I think that a full school day is enough academic work. I don't see why the kid has to spend two hours each night and 8-12 hours every weekend doing more. Let them have some time ot be kids, will ya? (Not to mention, it's MY lazy ass has to get up early on a Sunday to run him wherever he's gotta go!) Ah well, I'm sure we'll get the project done tonight and he'll have a good weekend.

Well, it's back to the pleasures of work for moi'!


Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Back . . . But Whining

Hey, folks!

I'm back. Sorry for the ghost presence thing here for a while but the last month has been frikkin' nuts! Between working 60+ hrs./week, trying to finish the house, and maintain some type of contact with my wife and son, I've been a complete mess. I have done nothing that I can consider creative or productive. The house is still not done (though I'm getting close) Writing has been absolutely null and I haven't read a single book in almost three months!

Gotta tell ya: it's really bumming me out!

I have not been a happy camper lately. I've been so stressed over all this crap that I've been a complete waste of space. My days have consisted of work, eat dinner, mope on the couch for an hour or two, then collapse into bed (with some whining thrown in here and there, just for chuckles.) Physically, I feel like absolute shit. I'm always tired, everything hurts, my concentration is almost non-existent and I have this horrible feeling of weakness all the time. Is it just the stress? No idea, but I'm heading to the doctor next week (which I NEVER do!) just to be sure. I just feel like something is very wrong in my body right now. Hopefully, the Doc will tell me I'm just a cranky, paranoid, fat bastard going through a mid-life crisis of some sort and I'm fine. My family has some fairly unpleasant medical history though so I'm a tad worried about him finding something serious.

In any event, I'm feeling (somewhat) better today. Last night was very ugly; I did nothing but lay on the couch, refusing to move and barely speaking. Not cool. Today I'm realizing that a lot of my problems at the moment come from a deep rooted fear of failure. (Fear? Well: terror might be more accurate!) I've been flipping out over having to do stuff on the house that I just don't know how to do, and work's been a whole lot of new territory as well. I hate not being sure of what I'm doing. I'm don't know why, but the very idea of having to say "I couldn't do it" or "It's not working" is enough to send me into a cold sweat. I am strange like that: I will go one hell of a long way to avoid having to admit I failed at something. Failure is the most horrifying thing I can think of.

So, of course, things like failing to be published, failing to lose weight, failing to get my house fixed, etc. Send me into the screaming tizzies. (Don't ask.) Is that normal behavior? Hell, I doubt it. I've never done anything like a normal person so why start now? My mind tells me that I'm not failing; that I'm still making progress on all these things but my heart doesn't listen. The heart's a firm believer in: "If at first you don't succeed . . . your a dumbass!" Bizarre, no?

Ah well, enough whining for one. day. I should be back to some type of normal schedule now and able to do some actual writing, etc. I'll be posting around here regularly again (and I'll try to keep the boo-hoo down to a minimu, I promise!)


Thursday, May 11, 2006

Patience, Grasshopper!

Not gone, not dead . . . not back yet, but getting close. Maybe Monday (yuk!) but no promises . . .

Hang in with me. I'll be back with my usual charm, wit, and shine soon . . .

(failing that, I'll just bitch and whine a lot and you can laugh at me!)


Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Storm Trek III: The Search for Spark


Spark is dead.

My dearest companion, whose faithfullness and ready wit inspired all my authorly creations is gone: swallowed by the energy draining madness of Planet Work. The shitstorm swirls about me and I am surrounded by deepest despair. How can I go on without Spark? My life has been spent in pursuit of the dream; of being Captain of the USS AuthorPrize . . . and now that the dream seems almost within my grasp, I've lost my Spark.

The shitstorm is worsening and I have no words to tell you how deeply I feel the loss of Spark. My only hope, though it is a faint one, is this place where Spark died . . . If there is a more abundant source of fertilizer in the universe, I cannot conceive of it. Perhaps, if fate is smiling upon me, Spark may raise again from the knee-deep mire of shit through which I struggle.


In the meantime, I must concentrate on my own survival. If I allow myself to fall . . . there is no hope for Spark at all!

<transmission ends>