Wishes and Fishes

OY VEY!

It has been nothing short of insane this week. Work has been running me ragged and every night has been taken up with the house, contractors or general running about. The writing has come crashing to a complete stand still and I don't see it easing up through the weekend. We have the first of the boy's birthday parties (yes, you read that right: "first"! The boy gets two parties, one for family one for friends. Nah, he's not spoiled . . . MUCH!) so I will be yard tending, cleaning, setting up and then cooking for all the guests (BBQ of course!) after which all his cousins will be staying for the night (which is alway a lot of fun actually) Then on Sunday, we have a Boy Scout BBQ and Court of Honor (for which -I just remembered- I need to do some shopping tonight!) See what I mean? The crap keeps piling up.

We had contractors in yesterday to waterproof our basement with an underground drain system so I had to leave work early to be there with them. They got all the work done (after a few minor issues got resolved) and it seems to be working fine. I'll know for sure when I get home tonight . . . It is pouring outside right now like Noah plans to float by at any moment. I truly hope I don't walk into a basement swimming pool!!!!

I'm getting nervous about "First" now. I think it's just the outline thing again but every time I think about working on it I get butterflies in my stomach. How damn silly is that? It's only another book, right? I've written three this year already but for some reason this one is worrying me. The old feeling of "I can't do this, I'm not good enough" is suddenly rearing its head once more. I hate that!!!! What the hell is wrong with my head that I panic every time I even start to smell the remote possibility of a fleeting chance that I might conceivably -on some far distant day- become a professional writer? Am I afraid of success? I understand some folks are. I never thought I was but who knows? All I can say is that I sometimes get frightened looking at the blank page in front of me and a part of me wants to just turn off the computer and go watch some bad re-run on TV. I've read enough other writers blogs and bio's to know I'm not the only one who feels this way and that should make it easier. I know (in my head) that it's just part of the process and I need to push past it but my guts still go along their own merry way, telling my head to shut the fuck up and mind it's own business. (Yes, I am sad to say I do actually hold these types of internal conversations!)

Ah well, I'll get past it. I will be a professional and I will not quit until I am. (see the little train? I-think-I-can. I-think-I-can . . .) I got my new laser printer in and I will (try to) get the agent queries out in the mail next week. Wish me luck! (Or, you can wish that I hit the friggin' lottery. That would be good too . . .)

Later!