The Truth of Me

Got a fair piece of editing done on GS last night in addition to the inserts I did. That puts me at just past the halfway point on the edits. I'm going to have to start writing up query letters for Agents in the next few days. I want GS to be done & ready for submittal before I go shipping them out though, so I'll have a few weeks to polish the basic query to a brilliant shine! I've been doing (some) research on various Agents in the Fantasy field so I have a list of who I'm sending queries to right off the bat. After they turn me down (gotta love the positive attitude, eh?) I'll look into who else might be a good fit. Still haven't touched "Fish": I'm just not ready yet. That requires a huge emotional commitment on my part that the schedule is just not allowing me right now. GS & "Clans" I can work during odd hours and with interruptions. The style of them allows me to slip right back into writing mode after running out to dinner or a meeting, or whatever. "Fish" requires long periods of time with my butt in front of the computer. I have to work into the right emotional state for each scene and that means I can't be interrupted. Good Luck!

So, did I mention yet that I actually had a short story of mine published in a pro (per SFWA standards) magazine a few years back? It was called "Sunset of the Blue Heron" and it appeared in the premier issue of Adventures of Sword and Sorcery. I mention it because it was the last time I did any serious writing in a nearly five year period. Goofy, huh? I've always wanted to be a writer and shortly after I make my first real sale, I stopped writing. There was a lot going on in my life at the time: my Father died of cancer, my wife was fighting breast cancer (the two knuckleheads used to swap chemo stories and compare scars!) and a world of financial troubles. The big thing (or so I thought) was my father passing. Part of my own inner fantasy of what it would be like when I was a "real writer" was handing my old man the first copy of my novel, personalized to him. I knew that would be the moment when he was truly proud of me, that he would finally realize I had become a worthwhile person. I lost that dream when he died and I thought that was where my desire to write went. I figured I'd never really wanted to write, just wanted to impress my Dad. Strange thing was, the need to write kept bugging me. I just kept pushing it aside. I did pen another 3-4 short stories over those years but I never bothered to revise or attempt to get them published. The desire just wasn't there anymore (or so I thought!).

Round about October of '04 I was browsing the web when I came across a link to something called NaNoWriMo (a very goofy name, anyway you cut it!) and I decided to see what the hell it was. Well, I read through their site and thought the idea of trying to write 50,000 words in one month was absolutely insane; so of course I signed up immediately. There was no pressure here, no need to be published, or professional, or even be good! It was just plugging any old thing you wanted onto the page and moving on without looking back. "Quantity over quality" as the site says. Imagine my surprise when I got to the end of November and discovered that I had written 68,000 words! Without the expectations and pressure I'd been putting on myself, the words simply flew from my fingers. (Hey, I ain't claiming they're good words!) More incredible, it was the most fun I could remember having in years. I felt good about myself and was really proud of what I'd done, so I decided to keep on doing it.

I discovered a couple of things about myself while doing NaNo:

1. I'm a novelist, not a short story writer. I don't have the knack for presenting the stories in my head in just a few thousand words. I need space to grow my thoughts and ideas (and pontificate. I definitely like the whole pontificating thing!)

2. The words are there, I don't have to fight to pull them out I just have to let them free. I was bottle necking around my own brain!

3. I didn't want to be a writer to impress my father. I am a writer, I always have been. The writing block I hit wasn't because he died, it was because I was afraid. I made an actual sale: someone thought my work was worthwhile and I'd reveled in that. What if it was only a fluke though? What if I had blown my load in that one story? What if I didn't have what it takes to keep going at this profession? Part of me thought it would be worse to have folks laugh at me for being a "One Hit Wonder" than it would be to have never had anything published. Hell, LOTS of folks want to be writers but never make it. How many folks do you know who get there then fail? That realization has made a huge difference to me. Writing doesn't terrify me anymore (it just scares the crap out of me!). I know that I may fail but at least I'll fail after trying, not because I quit. Seems simple don't it? You'd be surprised at the mess not understanding that made of my life for those 5 years!

Anyway, I'm off to visit Forward Motion and see what's up in my Crit Circle. Been a quiet week over there. One of the ladies is on vacation and I haven't heard from the other in a few days. (I'm so lonely!) Looking forward to the Season Finale of BSG tonight!! Great show! I'm actually home this weekend (for a change) so I should have a chance to post.

Later!