Thursday with God

Well, kiddies, it’s Thursday and here –as promised- is the latest post from He Who Resides On High. (Thanks to Lynn and Shoes for their questions!)

Alrighy then, let’s get on with the important stuff shall we? I promised to answer your questions and so I shall. I am, after all, a Deity of My Word! (If I wasn’t, I’d drown you all out again, heh heh! But I promised Noah, so you’re all safe.) Our first brave contestant on todays episode of “Arrogantly Questioning the Omniscience of You Creator” is: Lynn from over at Spilling Ink.

LYNN: What the hell were You thinking when you were designing the female urinary tract? Do you really think the urethra is well placed? I think not. It's very placement is a standing invitation for infections of the urinary tract. I'm not sure where I would have put it instead -- but YOU'RE GOD!!! Couldn't you think of anything better than that?

Oy! Every woman who dies: the first thing they hit me up with is a prolonged bitch-fest about their internal plumbing. Look, the urethra is essentially in the same location for both sexes . . . sort of. Just imagine reaching down a man’s throat, grabbing his scrotum from the inside and pulling upward . . . Hard! Voila’ instant woman! (Quite frankly, that’s how I did it. The whole “rib” thing is just P.R.) Anyway, urinary tract infections come from bacteria entering through the urethra, most commonly during intercourse. It can also be caused by bacteria left over from bowel evacuation. (Ewww!) That would be the clinical causes of the problem, and here’s the Divine Answer to your problems ladies:

How about a wet wipe down there once in awhile, huh????

I mean, instead of getting pissed (no pun intended) at Me for flawed design, why not try a little bit of basic hygiene once in a while! Sanitary wipes fix all your own “leftovers” and there ain’t a thing wrong with makin’ your fella shower up a bit, or taking a quick swipe at old mister winkie with a towelette before you begin bumping uglies! Blaming me for this is like blaming the architect because someone crapped down the side of the toilet, ya know what I mean? As for moving the urethra to a different location . . . are you frikkin’ kidding Me? I had to put it at the “low-flow” point, ladies. You have any idea of the hydraulics nightmares I’d have had if I put it up any higher? You don’t even wanna know where I’d have had to put muscles! (You think you ladies got big butts now?) I’m not even gonna go into the social problem it would have presented if I set it . . . oh, I don’t know: in the center of your chest maybe? See how much snuggling your man’d wanna do then! I put the entire female “package” in the spot least likely to cause you grief. Trust me, ALL the alternatives were far worse.

Now, let’s move on to a question posted by Shoes, from over at Mister Pissed . . .

Shoes: As I look around at the world today, I can’t help but see war, disease, and famine...etc. Do you think this is any way for a well run universe to run and if not, whose neck is on the chopping block in your organization?

Well, Shoes, let me begin my answer by saying that for a man who doesn’t pick up his own dirty socks at home (remember: I’m always watching!), you’ve got quite the grasp on organizing a multiverse! Check out the big brain on Shoes!

I gotta tell you this question truly give Me a case of the red-ass. What is it with you humans anyway? Can’t you take responsibility for one damn screw up of your own? Noooooo . . . you’re all like: “Oh, God is cruel! God makes people die! God makes diseases and famines! God kills kittens!” Right. Let’s just ignore the fact that God made you all immortal, put you in a perfect paradise without any of those things AND YOU ALL FUCKED IT UP!!!! Seriously, you all need to stop yammering about “sins” and “morals” and start focusing a bit on personal responsibility!

Adam and Eve tanked Eden for you all (Oh, and it was NOT sex that got you kicked out, despite what the frigid-ass Catholics tell you, but that’s a subject for another Thursday!) They went way the hell over the top and ruined the perfect setup I’d put on for you. (Where’s the thanks, eh?) All this crap you guys deal with is your own doing, not Mine. War? C’mon people, where do I fit into that vile little invention of humanity? Just because some greedy little bastard tells a bunch of morons willing to listen that it’s My Holy Will or some shit, I’m responsible for him running a sword through his neighbors? I ain’t the one who followed along behind him, burning, pillaging, and raping folks who just happen to look a little different! Wars are all on you guys. They ain’t going away until you stop following power hungry religious leaders and insisting that your own way of life is the only correct one. (Oh . . . and when you stop electing morons like Dubbya to public office!)

Disease and famine are followers of war. They’re three of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, remember? Didn’t you guys ever read The Book of Revelations? (I read it all the time. Makes me laugh my ass off! I think old John was hittin’ the pipe a little hard when he scribbled down that shit!) Humans cause war. War causes famine. Famine causes disease. Disease kills humans. I come in at the tail end of that scenario when you all start boo-hoo-ing because you’ve got all kinds of nasty little viruses crawling about inside you. Here’s the simple, Divine, answer: tend to your own life. Leave your neighbor alone, worry about doing the right thing by your family and friends, and don’t hurt anyone else. If you all do that, the rest of this crap all fades away. You don’t need me for that!

As for whose “neck is on the chopping block”, Shoes. The answer is: nobody. The guys in my organization spend their time keeping the cosmos running and making sure the whole of existence doesn’t implode in a flash of dark matter. I really don’t hold them responsible for human stupidity. If and when a few humans can spare the time to build a few new solar systems and control a Supernova or two, I’ll see what I can do about freeing up a couple of angels to look into the whole “human condition” thing. Until then, you’re on your own.

Well, that’s it for this week, folks. Please leave Me some more questions in the comments. Tell your friends that The Almighty is here and taking requests! Spread the Good Word! (No, not that Word! Just let folks know I’m here, ok?)

I’m out!