Writer's Brain

Anybody else have leech stories?

What's that you ask? Well, I shall tell! I have two stories that have been in my head for years. They're both novel lenght (or more) pieces I just never feel that I can do justice to. They sit and gestate in my brain and they never quite go away. They're always there, just at the edge of my conscious mind, tickling at the edge of my awareness. I call them "leeches" because they periodically drain my attention away from my current WIP. I'm almost done with my changes to "Slayer" and I should be concentrating on that but for the last few days one of those stories has jumped to the forefront of my imagination and is sucking up all my creativity! (Damned unfair!) I have to push it aside to get "Slayer" back out to the interested agent but it's never easy setting either of these tales aside. Funny thing is, I've never bothered to pen a single thing on either of them but I know the entire outline for each without missing a beat. I enhance and change it occasionally, but I've never forgotten a single thing about either story, even though one of them's been in my brain for damn near ten years now!

I'm afraid to write either of them. They are both fantastic concepts and I don't want to fuck 'em up with inferior writing. I've been waiting to be sure that my skills are polished up enough to do them justice. I think they're both really original ideas but they could easily slip beyond original and into "hokey" if I'm not carefully with it. I'm wondering though if I'm not ready to start on one of them. I need to finish "Slayer" changes, complete the edits on "Fish" and the first draft on "First" before I move on of course, but I think I know where I'm going after that. The imagination doesn't seem to want to hear about the necessity of "finish what you start" though. It keeps trying to jump ahead to the place it wants to go. Nice in theory but I'll never make it as a pro that way! First, we finish the WIP's, then we consider the next tales.

Anybody else suffer from having too many stories to tell? I don't understand writers block really. I always have at least twenty or so ideas for stories in my head at any given time. I understand procrastination though (that sumbitch I got down pat!) and I certainly get fear. Fear of success in particular! I'm scared shitless right now that the agent will actually take me on and want to move ahead with "Slayer". I've been finding everything possible in life to distract me from getting it done and back out to her. What the fuck is up with that????? I've spent my life chasing this dream and the moment I catch even a scent of it, my brain wants to cut and run! I don't know which would be worse: to have the agent get my changes and decide not to take me on, or to have her love it and want to move forward. Stupid, eh? Part of me wants to be rejected . . . to be relegated back to the safe environs of the wannabe that I know so well. It's easy to dream about being a professional, it's quite daunting to face the prospect of having to actually be one!

I can't even clearly say why it scares me. I know I can write well. I read constantly and I think my stuff holds up pretty well against most of what I see. I've gotten feedback from several agents, all of whom say the writing is pro caliber and one is actually toying with the idea of taking me on as a client. I know I can write regularly and under tight schedules (hell, I've been doing that at work for years!) and like I said: writer's block has never been an issue. So what am I afraid of? Afraid that I'll reach my goal and find it wasn't all I'd hoped? (Life never is!) Afraid I'll make it as a pro writer and then not be able to keep that status? Afraid I'll get so close I can taste it and still not make it? Who knows. Maybe I'm just a very twisted individual.

Later!