God, the Agent

Well folks, I’ve decided to make a change here at A Novel Approach. I thought you all might be a little tired of my inane ramblings, so I figured it would be nice to have a guest blogger one day a week. With that it mind, I’m going to turn Thursdays over to someone who’s made a few appearances on this blog in the past. I felt I needed someone who was familiar with the general tone of this place and who had a mind vast enough to keep such wonderful folks as my readers happily entertained. Ladies and Gents, please allow me to introduce our new Thursday morning blogger here at A Novel Approach . . .

THE ALMIGHTY GOD!

Thank you, Jim, for that lovely introduction. I may reconsider my plans to condemn you to an eternity of fiery damnation after that!

Yes folks, I am your God. (No need to grovel or anything. A simple “Wow!” will suffice for now.) After a few appearances here I got to thinking that this was a pretty neat way to communicate with the people of this world. I approached Jim about it and he was a little hesitant at first but a few thunderbolts put his doubts to rest in a hurry. I will be here every Thursday to speak about . . . well, whatever I damn well please actually. I am Jehova after all. I talk, you listen. That’s the way this whole God thing works, you see? Anyway, I will happily answer any questions that you’d care to leave for me in the Comments area. Be warned though, your questions will be moved up to the front page and answered each Thursday. I won’t have time to respond in the comments . . . I do have this thing called “existence” to take care of, you know! That’s a tad time consuming. Oh, and I also have racquetball in the afternoons with Vishnu, so I’m pretty busy. (You trying playing someone with four arms and see how easy it is!) Anyway, please ask any existential, moral, or just plain old curious questions you’ve got. I’d love to have a meaningful dialog with you, my favorite creations. (Or at least my favorites capable of reading this bog, heh heh!)

I thought I’d start this week with a question I get asked quite a lot:

“Dear God,

Why don’t you answer prayers anymore?

Sincerely,

Just about everybody on the damn planet.”

Well, let me start by saying that I do answer prayers. Don’t think so? Look at Lance Armstrong, or J.K. Rowling. Hell, just look at Jim here! How else would a loser like him get such a great life and family without my help?

Anyway, the problem is actually one of scope. Back in the old days, when there were only a few thousand of you hairless monkeys scampering about down there; it was easy to respond to each prayer directly. Now that there are several billion of you (You’re a bunch of frisky little simians, ain’t ya?) it’s become impossible to respond to the large volume of prayers I receive on a daily basis. Doing so would entail my full-time attention and other things –like keeping the sun from going nova and turning your world into a burnt cinder- might be overlooked. As a result, I’ve been forced to use form responses to my prayer submittals. I know that seems impersonal and cold but I’m dealing with prayers on the order of twenty-plus billion a day, so cut me a little slack, eh? I’ve enlisted my Angels to read through the prayer “slush pile” and filter out the repeated, selfish, ridiculous, or just plain stupid prayers (No, Jim, you are NOT getting six Asian harem girls for your birthday!) Most of these receive one of our standard form replies. Since the Post Office doesn’t deliver to heaven (I am currently in discussions with UPS though. Those SOB’s will go anywhere!) we need to reply to such prayers via a more direct means which –sadly- often goes unnoticed by the recipient. Here’s an example:

Little Johnny: “God, please turn my sister into an ugly frog!”
Heaven’s Response: Johnny’s sister suddenly “remembers” she needs something from his room and walks in just in time to hear his devout prayer. She smacks the little turd –hard- on the back of his skull.

See? Response delivered! Listen, if you’re unsure whether or not I’ve heard you, just print out the following and post it on a wall somewhere, will ya?

Dear Supplicant,

Thank you so much for offering up your prayers to us here in Heaven. Please don’t take the lack of personal, verbal, response as a sign that your prayer hasn’t been heard. Rest assured that we here in heaven do review every prayer that comes in. While your prayer sounds intriguing, I’m afraid I’m not the right God for it. You deserve an enthusiastic response to your prayer, so I recommend you pursue other Deities. After all, it takes only one Divine Power to say ‘yes’ and with so many other Divinities out there, you could easily find one willing to respond to your incessant whining! (****)

Good luck with all your praying endeavors,

The Almighty.

Well, that’s all for this week, kiddies. Don’t forget to send me some questions and I’ll be back next Thursday to give you all a close up look at omniscience!

I’m out!

G.

(****) shamelessly stolen from Kristin Nelson over at Pub Rants. One of the best blogs out there, BTW!