Mad Skillz!!!

Friday again . . .YAY!!!!!

It occurs to me I haven't put up a bit of my work in a while, so I thought I'd treat you all to a sampling of my Mad-Writin'-Skillz in the form of a short story of mine. It's unpublished, but I don't think I'm ever gonna sell this one anyway . . . it just doesn't seem to fit any magazine's format, though I've had a number of very encouraging rejections on it! (sort of like getting a fun hangnail, ain't it?) Anyway, all rights reserved by me, etc. No copying or reprinting without paying me large sums of cash and all that good stuff . . . Enjoy the tale!

Later!

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IF DRAGONS DANCED

by J. A. Coppinger




Undaunted by the acrid stench of sulfur, the Knight strode into the dragon’s den, naked steel gleaming in his gauntleted fist. He drove the blade tip into the granite floor and gave challenge to the draken.

"Ho, dragon, thy time of justice is at hand! I, Sir Theodore of Phenric, call thee forth to battle. I say unto thee: thy fell shadow shall darken this land no more!"

The dragon, nearly a full furlong of crimson muscle and fang, swiveled its massive head in the Knight's direction. Slowly it opened its gargantuan maw, inhaling, its lungs working like a huge bellows… and spoke.

"Aww, cripes sake, Teddy! This's the fourth time in a month. Can't ya lay off a bit?" His accent, of Welsh and cockney Brit, had evolved from years of dealing with dragon-slayers from those respective provinces.

The Knight raised the visor on his helm, piggish little eyes squinting through the opening. "Sorry, old boy, but I've a job to do after all." He replaced the visor with a polite cough and continued in what he considered a proper Knightly tone. "How say ye, fiend? Wilt thou answer my challenge?"

The dragon turned his head away with a sigh, refusing to look at the Knight. "Bugger off, Teddy," he said.

The Knight's visor slammed up with a resounding clang. "Now see here, Trilby! I'll not have you speakin' to me that way! I’m a Knight, after all! Tain’t proper, it ain't."

Trilby snorted, his breath stirring up a small whirlwind in the cavern. "Not proper? I'll tell ya what ain't proper! A Knight what kills a dragon four times in the same month: 'ats what ain't proper! Why, you'd think a fella gots nothing better to do but sit 'round waiting for you to trundle along and slice 'im open!

“Tain't decent, Teddy, just ain't! Why, even the King's serfs get off one day in ten. But me? Oh no, poor ol' Trilby don't get no days off, does he? Every day, t’same blasted thing. Ho, Trilby! Have at thee, Trilby! Feel my wrath, Trilby! I'll have no more of it I tell ya! Go find some other dragon to pester, Teddy. I been killed enough this year."

It was Teddy's turn to sigh. He pulled his helmet off, revealing a pinched looking face surrounded by a crop of unruly brown hair that seemed determined to point off in every direction. Which, he silently admitted while trying to smooth it down with his free hand, was a good thing; else the drastic thinning of his mane would be quite noticeable. Teddy scratched absently at the scraggly whiskers above his upper lip. Blasted helmet always made him sweat! The Knight shrugged, embarrassed, and gave the dragon an apologetic grin.

"Look, old boy," he began. "I know it's something of a nuisance but I'm afraid I haven't any choice. His Majesty says: Teddy, go slay the dragon!, and I gots to go! Why, I says to him -just this mornin’- Your Majesty, tain't right! but does he listen? Course he don't! Believe me, Tril, I don't care for this any more‘n you do. You think I likes dressing up in this tin suit, marching up this bloody mountain every week, just to kill a dragon what ain't gonna stay dead more'n a few hours anyway? Damn nuisance, I say! But there it is, old boy. A job's a job, after all."He pushed sweat soaked hair from his eyes, placing the helmet back atop his head. Teddy wished the thing didn't weigh so much; it gave him an awful headache. Still, one had to keep up appearances.

Trilby sighed thunderously, setting his massive head down on the cavern floor, looking quite as dejected as it is possible for a dragon to look. Which is not very much really, considering he was designed as a terror inspiring eating machine. But Trilby gave it quite the prep school try anyway. He even managed to put a touch of pre-pubescent whine in his voice. "Whyn't you just go find some other Wyrm to aggravate? I just ain't in for it today."

"C’mon now, old bean, you knows there ain't been no other dragons sighted in over six centuries. Let's just get this finished with, eh? Sooner started, sooner finished, as me Mum's wont to say. Where were we then? Oh yes… Ahem. Foul Wyrm, I come seeking justice for the hapless peasants you have devoured..."

"I'm a vegetarian, Teddy."

"...the herds of cattle you've scattered across the country
side…"

"Haven't left the cave in years, old boy."

"…crops you've burned?"

"Couldn't work up enough fire to light a torch."

"Um, plundered treasures?"

"Flat broke."

"Late on your taxes?"

"Sorry, paid up just last week. Receipt's on the wall."

"Insulting the King? Disturbing the peace? Urinating in public? "

"Nope, nope, and nope."

Teddy threw his sword down on the cavern floor in a fit of excessive aggravation. This was getting ridiculous. "Blast it, Trilby, you're not helping!”

"Not helping? I'm not helping?" The dragon's tail slammed the floor like a thunderbolt; rattling the cavern and making Teddy take a nervous step back. "You ain’t even got the decency to come in 'ere with a valid charge for killing me, and I'm not helping? Phaahh! You're just getting lazy, is what!"

"I am not," huffed the Knight.

"Are too!"

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

Teddy let it drop. He knew Trilby: the dragon would happily keep it up all day. One thing about dragons; they were insufferably obstinate! Trilby would be perfectly content to sit there for a fortnight, trading denials back and forth, but the Knight had more important things to do. His oldest boy's team was in the cricket finals tonight and he'd promised the Missus he'd be home in time to take him. Not that he was afraid of what she’d say if he was late of course, he was the Master of his Estate! It was just that he couldn’t stand the grating hitch in her nasal voice when she started her infernal, incessant, nagging…!

He folded his arms across his breastplate and tried to think things through. It wasn't like Trilby to be this inconsiderate. He was usually the very soul of hospitality when Teddy came to disembowel him. "I say, Trilby, what seems to be the to-do? This behavior isn't like you at all."

Trilby the dragon turned his serpentine yellow eyes on the Knight and gave a shrug -or the closest draconic equivalent thereof- which is to say: he hunched his iron hewed wing muscles in a just slightly less than terrifying way. "Nothing," he said, pouting.

Teddy patted him on one huge forepaw, mollifying his old friend. Dragons can be so temperamental, he thought. Trilby was almost as bad as his youngest boy. That one was a holy terror to be sure, a bottled cork just waiting to pop at the tiniest shake! All the Missus fault, coddling him the way she does... still, he wasn't here to worry 'bout his own troubles. "Here now, no need to throw a hissy fit. I'm just trying to help is all."

The Wyrm looked at him and nodded. "Course you are. Sorry, Teddy, I’m just not quite up to snuff today I expect. Loads on my mind and all that."

Teddy seated himself on the floor with much creaking on the part of his armor. He'd have to oil it soon, he thought, then wished he hadn’t. Now that he’d thought of it, he’d have to do it. Such things were a point of honor for a Knight. What a bloody bother! He pulled his pipe from the pouch on his belt, and began stuffing it with some of the King's Best. Knighthood has its privileges! "Understand perfectly, old bean! Been there meself. What say we take a few moments and you tells me about it, hmmm? Anything in particular ‘as the old ruff up?"

Trilby tilted his head to one side, considering, as he settled his great bulk more comfortably on his bed of jewels. Colored glass actually. Teddy knew the bleeding tax collectors had taken the real stuff. Tril should really invest in a nice feather bed, he thought. Jewels –real or no- must be uncomfortable as the dickens!

"Aww, I dunno," the dragon replied, "Just been thinking 'bout me life lately s’all. I mean, what's the point? Every day's the same thing: wake up, read the sports page, wait for you to show up and slit me gizzard… I'm bored, old man!

“Not that it's your fault, mind! You're one of the finest dragon-slayers what I ever had the privilege of shaking claws with! It's just, well… I guess I'm just feeling me own immortality."

Teddy puffed thoughtfully on his pipe, doing his best impression of a wise old graybeard. Trilby was a good sort, and the Knight wanted the dragon to feel he was giving proper weight to his words. Truth to tell though, Teddy hadn't a clue what the old boy was on about. Couldn't very well let Trilby know that, he’d be hours explaining, and the Missus’d brain him if he were late again…

He waved importantly about himself with the pipe. "Knows exactly what you mean! Saying to the Missus just yesterday I was: Poor old Trilby, I says. Must be the devil on him, living forever, stuck up in that drafty old cave and all. That's exactly what I said; you just ask the Missus!" He nodded, satisfied with his own words. Hadn't any idea what he was saying of course, but it sounded sufficiently sympathetic, he was sure. Trilby seemed to think so.

"Exactly! You gots no idea what it’s like! I mean: how many times can a body be killed 'fore he goes completely balmy, I ask you? Why, do you realize I been killed over ten score times?

“Being immortal’s kinda fun for the first three-four hundred years, but after that it gets a bit dull. ‘Specially after they told me I weren't allowed to eats no more virgins! Being a vegetarian's done absolute wonders for me 'ealth -me cholesterol's down nearly four hundred points- but I tell you, some days I'd give me right wing for a screaming little tidbit of a girl!" He flapped the appendage in question and sighed.

Teddy nodded in understanding. Those were the good old days, he thought. Time was, a dragon could earn a decent living being a tyrannical agent of destruction, and Knights were well respected by all. Nowadays, best either of them could hope for was a civil service job and a pension. Not that Trilby'd ever see a quid of pension. Teddy had never considered it before, but retirement age for an immortal was nonexistent.

"Here now, we can't have you doing that sort of thing any more! Lord knows, virgins be rare enough in this day and age! Lets you loose on 'em and there won't be one left in the blooming country." He thought about his own fifteen-year old for a moment, then shook his head. If the little trollop's at all like her Mum at that age, the last thing he'd have to worry over was her becoming a meal for Trilby!

"Don't mind me," said the dragon. "I'm just blowing smoke...no pun intended. Tells you the truth, I've just been feeling a bit lonely lately."

"Lonely? Is that all? Not a bit of a problem! What say you drop by for tea, Sunday? The Missus won't mind, and the kids simply luvs you! Why, my youngest still rambles ‘bout the dragon-back ride you give her last time. Yes, tea at my house: the very thing. I'll pick up a few barrels of greens at the market for you and we'll make a party of it. Say… fourish?"

Trilby bowed his head in polite acknowledgment. Teddy was pleased to see the dragon’s affability returning. He really is a polite fellow, thought the Knight. Especially when you consider his previous dietary habits.

"Luvs to, Teddy, thank you. Still, tain't quite the same is it? You human folk are nice and all but I'm afraid it's company of me own kind what I'm looking for. I'd dearly luvs to have someone I could talk to 'bout the olden days! You know… burnin' towns, eatin' tribes of elves, that sort of thing."

"That's a tough one, Tril: you being listed as the last of your kind and all."

The Wyrm sighed in resignation, dropping his chin onto his forepaws and looking for all the worlds like a lonely old basset hound. "That's the problem in a shell, isn't it? I don't wants to be the last of me kind no more. I'd just as soon stay dead the next time you decapitate me."

"'Fraid that's not a choice either. You're immortal. Can't stay dead for more than twelve hours, remember?"

The Dragon scowled, rustling his massive wings in irritation. “Damned nuisance, that! Dragon should have the right to stay decently deceased if he wants! Tain’t like I choosed to be immortal. Bleeding bureaucrats over at the E.P.A. up'n decides I'm a bloody endangered species! Next thing I knows, there's twelve Wizards up here, casting spells and what not at me. Anybody thinks to say: Gee Trilby old bean, would you like to live forever? Course not! It's just presto-chango, 'n the old boy's around for eternity. Damn inconsiderate, if you ask me. Body gots a right to decide if he wants to live forever. Don't he, Teddy?"

"Quite right, quite right! Barbaric thing; not asking first. But there you are, old boy. Just the sort of thing you'd expect from the paper-pushers. Why, last week one of them nits over to the King's Commission on Urban Violence tried to take me sword away! Said it was a negative influence on impressionable children. Can you imagine? Me, a negative influence on children? I was never so insulted in all me days! Had me so miffed, I cut the prig's head off, right on the spot."

They sat there for a time considering the complete unfairness of life, until Teddy's pipe went out and he noticed the shadows outside the cavern were getting a bit long. Have to hurry, he thought. Missus is probably taking practice swings with the frying pan already. He cleaned his pipe and put it back in his pouch before rising to his feet. With a decided nod of his head he reached a decision and moved to stand directly before the dragon's snout.

"See here, Trilby," he began, "I ain’t supposed to tells you this, it being a matter of State Security and all, but… well, if you promises not to breathe a word?"

The dragon sat up a bit, his curiosity aroused. Teddy had thought he might. Dragons loved secrets only a little less than virgins! "Of course, of course. Mum's the word!"

"Well, it seems the King'll be sending a few of us more experienced Knights down to Kensington in a fortnight or so. Hush-hush mission, and all that. Intelligence reports some odd goings on. Things of a rather mystical sort, if you takes me meaning.” He winked knowingly. “Word has it the Mayor gots himself turned to stone by what the townsfolk calls: a very ugly little lizard. Thing just wandered into a council meeting by accident, and poof! Nice new statue for the town square. Intelligence boys think it might be a basilisk. King wants us to go down there and dispatch the little bugger ‘fore the Magical Creature Rights activists hears of it and want to turn the town into a basilisk preserve!"

Trilby stood up so quickly he smacked his head, rather loudly, against the roof of the cavern. The dragon smiled -if you can call seven rows of dagger long teeth a smile- an apology at the Knight who had to dodge several boulders dislodged by the Wyrm's cranium.

"A basilisk? Are you sure?"

"Quite sure! Though you didn't hear that from me."

If dragons danced, Teddy was sure Trilby'd have done a jig. The Knight couldn't help but smile at his friend’s rather obvious joy. Always a pleasure to cheer up a dejected chum!

"A basilisk!" Trilby couldn't keep the wonder out of his voice. "They only hatches from rooster eggs laid in a pile of dragon dung under a harvest moon. If there's a basilisk in Kensington, there’s also gots to be..."

He couldn't get the word out, so Teddy finished the sentence for him. "A dragon!"

"A dragon," repeated Trilby in wonder.

The Knight scratched innocently at the sparse hair on his head, letting his eyes wander away from the dragon. "I understand Kensington’s gots lovely weather this time of year," he said. "Some lovely orchards to see thereabouts too. When's the last time you had a vacation, old boy?"

Trilby took his meaning right away. "Oh, been years, it has! Why, the King wasn't even born yet last time I tooks a day off! Maybe that's just what I need to get me outta the funk! A few days in some nice clime, say… around Kensington, and I'd be right as rain! Think His Majesty'd mind if I took some vacation time?"

Sir Theodore of Phenric set his helm back atop his head. "Not at all. I'll talks to him about it tomorrow." The dragon-slayer retrieved his blade from the floor and turned back to face the Great Wyrm. "Right now though, I'm in a bit of a squeeze. Me boy's in the tourney tonight, you know. Promised the Missus I'd be there, and all that. So, if you don't mind…?"

He gestured at the smiling dragon with his silver blade, andTrilby nodded hurried agreement. "Oh, of course, of course! Bloody rude of me to keeps you waiting! I ‘preciates all your help, Teddy. Really, I do! Well then, let's have at it shall we?"

The Knight charged and the dragon gave his most fierce battle roar. The fight was one of the most dramatic they'd ever had: blood, flame, broken rocks… the very stuff such battles are made of. In the end, when Teddy drove his blade into the Wyrm’s heart and passed out atop the dragon's dying form, he couldn’t help but notice Trilby’s smile.

The dragon hadn't died so happy in years



END