Epiphanies and Such

1,400 words on "First" today. Good words too. It was a high point moment in the story, where the MC finally thinks he has found the resolution to all his problems and everything seems like its going to work out well. He's wrong of course; it's all about to hit the fan but he doesn't know that (so don't tell him, 'kay?)

In comments on yesterday's post, SRH said:

"I know when my self discovery epiphany hit me, what prompted this in you? I am just curious, and I understand if it is something you do not wish to answer. These things are sometimes intensely personal "

Hell, this blog is all about the personal so I figured I'd answer that as best I can. Bear with though, because I'm not sure there was a single "defining" moment.

I've been feeling like I was on the wrong path in my life for a while now, at least on a personal level. The family, job, etc., are all good but i wasn't feeling good about myself and my place on this here giant mudball of a planet. I was already looking for some type of answer I guess when my car accident happened. It took a split second and it was over before I'd barely realized it was happening. My car was completely totalled and I walked out of the ride without a bump or bruise. Now, you might think I had my epiphany then . . . that I realized the fragility of my life and how quickly things can be taken away . . . Nope. Oh, maybe something of that passed through me but I think the real change came a few moments later, when I called my wife on the cell phone to tell her what happened. See, while I was standing there inspecting the damage, phoning the cops, and calling the guy who hit me an A-hole (I didn't really, but I wanted to!) I was thinking about one thing: the huge fight I was going to have with The Wife when she heard I'd wrecked the brand new car we'd had for only a year. I was dreading it and I had half worked my way into an outraged snit over it by the time I called her. I was all ready for the ensuing argument but a strange thing happened . . .

She didn't give a crap about the car. Didn't ask about the damage, or how we'd fix it, or afford a new car, or even ask how the accident had happened. All she wanted to know was that I was alright. she kept asking again and again "Are you okay? You're sure you're not hurt?" She kept cutting me off whenever I tried to talk about the accident. That was all she cared about. Now, I know this sounds very stupid. Any normal person would expect that response from their spouse but in case you folks ain't figgered it out yet: I ain't exactly normal. See, for years I've thought of myself as an extra player in my family . . . kinda useful to have around but not really important, ya know? I'd been a little resentful about that, thinking that my wife would be just fine if I kicked it and she could collect my insurance money so she could go out and start dating Sven, the Swedish Ski Instructor ten minutes after they buried my ass.

I know . . . you're asking: "Where's the epiphany here?" Well, it was simple enough . . . I realized that it wasn't The Wife who had a problem with me, it was ME who had a problem with me. I finally understood that I am really important to her (and she's going to slap me when she reads this for not knowing that all along!) and not just someone she got stuck with. Can you all say: Low-Self-Esteem? Having her be concerned only about my welfare made me realize that I'd been looking at a whole lot of things back-asswards. After that, I was camping and I had a lot of time to sit quietly and look up at the stars, considering my own life and my place in the universe. Somewhere in all that thinking I hit some type of conclusion that gave me a much better view of who I am and who I want to be. I accepted that most of my problems in life come from my own fears and not from other folks as I've always thought.

I don't know if that answers SRH's question, or if the entire explanation makes any sense at all but it's the best I can do right now. I feel like I'm just starting out on a new found trail . . . it may lead somewhere wonderful, or it may be a small loop that dumps me right back where I started. I don't know which, but right now I'm excited about it and I like the way the trees are looking on either side.

Oh, and BTW: I want to read the story of your epiphany, SRH! It'll give you blog material for tomorrow! ;-)

Later!