Deadly Predators!

It seems harmless, sure . . . large, cute, round, with a little scruff of hair (No, I do NOT mean me!) I refer to that voracious denizen of the underground that stalks the unwary homeowner, waiting silently in the dark for its moment to pounce upon unwary housewives as they take out the trash. That’s right; I speak of the most dangerous beast known throughout the land . . .

The Groundhog. (Raaarrrrrr!)

What’s that? You weren’t aware of the deadly attributes of this vile creature? Oh, well then . . . allow me to elucidate, in the form of a (mostly true) tale from the home front.

Me: (casually preparing for beddy-bye) Dum-De-Dum-De-Dum . . .
The Wife: Hon? Will you please take out the garbage?
Me: Uh . . . I’m kinda naked here! (NOOOOO! Do NOT visualize!) Can you take it out?
The Wife: I can’t!
Me: Ummmm . . . why would that be again?
The Wife: (quietly) Because.
Me: Because why?
The Wife: (red-faced) Because I’m scared.
Me: Of what? Robbers? It’s three steps from the back door to the garbage can!
The Wife: (knowing this will not go well) I’m scared of the Groundhog, okay?
Me: (disbelieving WTF?? Look on my face & trying not to laugh) The Groundhog? The vegetarian, overgrown mouse, which lives under our shed?
The Wife: She’s reallllly big . . .
Me: Oh, Yes! Nearly 8 inches long, isn’t it? Ooooohhhhh!!! Careful, dear, the Groundhog may bite you! RAAAARRRRRR!!!!!! (Yes, that is me making very childish roaring sound while laughing my naked butt off!)
The Wife: (scowling and trying not to laugh as I used my hands to fake Groundhog bites at her . . . “RAAARR!”) Stop it, you jerk! It’s dark out and they’re nocturnal!
Me: Ooohh! They’re like: Vampire Groundhogs! RAAARRRR!
The Wife: (Insert sound of her slapping the back of my bald head while laughing) Asshole! Go take out the garbage!
Me: Hell, no! There’s Vampire Groundhogs out there and I’m NEKKID! They could bite some very important things!
The Wife: They’re not really THAT important, dear . . . now take out the garbage!
Me: (sulking and putting on some clothes) Okay, fine . . . but I’ll have you know that I got lotsa IMPORTANCE workin’ here! And if it’s a female Groundhog, she’s gonna love it!!!!!!

Well, maybe that’s not exactly how it all went down (except the whole “Raarrrr” thing . . .been buggin’ her with that non-stop!) but it was a pretty damn funny moment. Killer Groundhogs . . . yup, we lives dangerous here in Jersey, folks! The Wife ain’t exactly the outdoors type. I’d have paid good money to see her reaction to the bears if she’d come camping with us! (Which is, of course, exactly why she won’t!)

Yup, this is my life. Cool, huh?

Later!