So, I actually got some writing done yesterday on “First”. Not much, only 700 or so words but it was forward progress. I don’t remember if I mentioned, but I finished the world building notes on this novel. Lots of background work still to do, but I think it will make it a richer piece. I also got some editing work done on “Fish” last night so I’m pretty pleased.
Lately, I’ve been browsing back through my blog; reviewing all my posts from the beginning and I’ve come to a few realizations. For starters: I’m long-winded, but I imagine those of you who’ve been around for a bit already knew that! The other thing I realized is that I’ve been altering my voice lately. I’m not sure why, really . . . but I noticed a distinct change in tone over the last few months. It seems like I’ve been restricting myself to simple surface facts and not getting involved in how I feel about things. It could just be that I’ve been stressed and busy but I think there’s more to it. I think that I’ve been scared to talk about my writing freely because I’ve been feeling frustrated and disappointed. For example: I noted in my back-reading that I told you all about the request for a partial from my Top-Of-the-List-Agent but I never told you the outcome. She sent me a very nice “Thanks, but not for me” letter. Now, I don’t take that personally but I’m frustrated as hell because I’m beginning to think that “Slayer” is not really ready for market and may have to be put to rest.
Truth is, the novel was one of my early works (You know - the ones you hide under your bed and pretend never happened?) that I thought had some potential so I took it out and reworked/re-wrote the entire thing from scratch last year. My writing has improved dramatically over the last two years (I think, anyway) and I thought that would be enough to fix the flaws but now I’m thinking: maybe not! Of course, that makes me start questioning my writing skill in general and makes me nervous about editing “Fish” and “Clans”. I think they’re both professional quality works . . . sort of. I mean, I really do think they are, but there’s this sickly knot in my stomach when I think about sending them out that makes me hesitate. I am terrified of having everything I’ve worked on these past two years simply be: “Not Good Enough”. I have written, re-worked, edited, re-typed, and revised close to 750k words in that time. That’s a lot of work, a lot of hours, and a lot of time taken away from my family pursuing a dream that may never come to pass.
That’s some frightening shit.
That fear is what I’ve been avoiding recently. That’s why the blog’s been a little dry and I’m pretty damn sure it’s also why I’ve been sucking wind on the actual writing end of things. I don’t know if you can call it fear of failure – the idea of never being published in and of itself doesn’t frighten me anymore. I guess you might call it “Fear of Futility” that’s bothering me . . . the idea that I’ll have spent all this time and effort for nothing . . . that no one beside myself will ever read these books. That scares the hell out of me. Tell me I’m never gonna make it: Okay, I’ve got a good life and a great family, I can live with it. Tell me I’m gonna spend years struggling against an impenetrable brick wall for no reason . . . that’s another thing.
So, there it is: my own personal neurosis laid out plain for the world to see. I’m not nearly ready to give up yet, I intend to keep on writing, but I’m going to have to learn to do it while ignoring that knot in my stomach. I can’t let it drag me down. I have to believe that at some point my desire and effort at this craft will bring me up to a level where my work is publishable. Even if I have no natural talent at writing (which, to be honest, I really believe I do!) I have to believe that enough work will bring me to my goal. If it doesn’t . . . hell, I have no idea what I’ll do then, or even if I’ll be able to recognize when “then” is. I may be doomed to typing these pointless words into the unhearing ether for the rest of my days. I imagine this is hardly new territory for writers. Most of us have to face these same fears, right? Even the biggest of us had to be sitting in front of a screen/typewriter at some point wondering: “What the hell am I doing this for? I’m never going to sell a damn thing!”
I sure as hell hope they did, or I’m just one scared, lost, little puppy out here on my own!
And on that cheery thought, I’m out!
Later!
2 comments:
Jim, I think only another writer can truly feel what we go through. I too am afraid of ending up nothing but a fart in the wind. I totally understand. I marketed the hell out of my first novel and I'm near the end of the second, but have temporarily misplaced my courage to write. Without my conscious realization, the second novel (in the tradition of FISH)led me into the trauma of my own past and sent me running for a therapist. So, there I was, with lots of queries out there, totally traumatized and bleeding across the page, and the rejections start pouring in. Can you believe I actually got one of my own query letters returned to me with a rubber stamp at the top that said 'No Thank You'?! A rubber friggin stamp! It's a rough biz for the unpublished. I hear you. In spite of it (because of it?), I know I will eventually get back on track. I'm starting to feel better. It may be soon. Either I can't be kept down indefinitely, or I'm a glutton for punishment. Maybe I should take that up with the therapist, huh? The bottom line for me is, I will write my stories, because when I do I'm connected. I'm in the zone. It's bliss, isn't it? Don't let anyone take that from you. It's your birthright. I hear you. Your voice is not lost in the ether, brother, it's just the internet! Lynn
I had an epiphany whilst reading a book about writing. I write for myself now. If I think there is something publishable in the end, that is a side benefit, but I am writing currently, because I can't not write.
Since I started writing for the joy of getting words on page my writing has gotten stronger , more fluid, and more experimental.
I think you might benefit from reframing your writing from "this has to get published" to "this has to be put on paper." Make writing a joyful experience again. I am sure that is why you started writing in the first place.
I don't want you to give up your goal of getting published. That is a very laudable and deserved goal. For me, it has become secondary. Now, my primary goal is to write. I think your primary goal should be to write. This is my opinion though, so don't take it as more than that.
I enjoyed your snippet the other day. You gots the chops. You were vary simply able to create mood and a sense of place with only a few words. It was compelling and I did want to know if they made it. you created concern from a callous stranger in a few paragraphs.
Publishing will happen, but in the meantime, write. Write everyday, even if it is only for ten minutes.
You were such a joyful man when you were getting words on paper. You were practically beaming when you were reporting back how many words you were producing daily. When your work started ramping up and the kitchen remodel ate your time, you stopped being joyous when you talked about writing.
Oh, and the only family saying that my mom-in-law ever passed down to my wife is "Don't let the fuckers get you down." I pass that along to you as well. I really do hope you are able to shake this bit of self questioning.
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