Focused On Being Un-Focused

So, like I said yesterday: I reread this entire blog from start to finish (took me three days - holy shit, I 'm long winded!). It was a very interesting experience to see the change from the fat, angry, depressed man who wanted to be a writer that I was to the in-shape, focused, soldier that I became. Reading through the daily progression of my own psyche (such as it is) was . . . therapeutic? Not sure what other word to use there. All I know is that it made me realize that I'm neither of those extremes anymore but there's still a good amount of both still mixed about inside me.

I have always been a character of extremes (as you no doubt know if you've read through any of my older posts!) I have always had a tendency to focus on a set goal and drive myself toward it to the exclusion of all else, using that goal to define "who" I was. I was a "writer" or a "soldier" or an "artist" or whatever other silly ass thing I was focused on at the moment said that I was. Problem with that of course is that it always left me pissed off when everything didn't go exactly as I wanted and I wasn't amazingly successful at what I wanted to do. In other words, it was all or nothing: if I wasn't a successful author, then fuck it! I'd be a super awesome soldier instead  and never write again! (Oy vey, the man's a dumb-ass!) Stupid, right? Yet I can't deny that was me. Like I said, it was kind of fun to sit back and watch the demise of that man in written form over the course of the last few years. that's kinda why I'm back here - I like the idea of keeping this blog as a sort of online journal: a way for me to look back in another few years and see what stupidity I'm spouting today that will make me shake my head in disbelief then!

So, who am I now you ask (OK, since I ask, cuz I'm the only one here!) and what am I doing with my life? Well, I'm all of the above plus a little more I guess. I'm still a medic in the National Guard (and I love it!) but I'm also back to writing (semi-regularly) and I'm loving that too. I'm back in school, finishing up my degree (Army training taught me that I actually enjoy school!) as well as working full time as a technical trainer (which I can't say I "love" but there are far worse jobs and it keeps a roof over my head!). What are my plans for the future? Honestly - I don't know. Oh, I have several paths available to me over the next few years but I'm not turning into "focused guy" again. I'm simply prepping myself for all of them and The Wife and I will make appropriate decisions when the time comes. I like this approach better, it's very calming for me. I don't spend each day in fear of failure and scrambling to try and make everything perfect. The Army taught me that I think. There is no better place to learn that all "plans" are futile and will fail upon first contact with the enemy. In the Army, we prepare for as many eventualities as we can and make only tentative plans, which can be changed and adapted on the fly when the shit hits the fan. I think I've taken this approach in my personal life as well and it seems to be working just fine. It certainly reduces the stress levels and the amount of fighting at home! I'm a lot more relaxed in my own skin now because I know that I can handle whatever comes next, whether I've planned for it or no. Surprises no longer scare the hell out of me: I've finally found a place inside my own mind where I feel like I'm a competent man who can handle whatever life throws at me (and let's face it, sometimes life throws like Mo Rivera on steroids!).

To sum up - I'll be back here and posting (don't know how often, but as regular as I can) with no specific agenda in mind other than getting my own ramblings down in semi-permanent state for my own future amusement. I imagine you'll get progress postings on what/how much I'm writing and some entertaining tales about a soldier's life as they come up. I'll also keep you in touch with the doings of The Wife, The Boy, and The Puppy (all of whom are in great health and quite happy at the moment, BTW!)

Enjoy your day folks, I is out!