Traditions #1

Well, let us begin the tale of my lameness with that most obvious of Christmas Traditions:

THE TRIMMING OF THE TREE.

For starters, I'm one lazy SOB (I know, you're shocked!) I go for plastic over real, for the simple reason that it means a hell of a lot less work. I'm lazy to the extreme of having purchased a pseudo-tree wherein the electric lights are permanently fixed to the branches, saving me yet one more level of Christmassy frustration!

We begin our tree-trimming adventure with the obligatory basement-crawl, wherein your favorite blogger (No, not HER!!!!! Me, dammit!) fights his way past a year's accumulation of junk to find the large vinyl bag wherein that treasure of consumerism is hidden. I then lug it up the narrow stairs (Banging shins, hands, and various other body parts while roundly cursing the entire way) and into the living room where same shall be assembled. At this point, The Boy pops Frank Capra's immortal "It's a Wonderul Life" into the player so that I can feel all mushy and "seasonal" while fighting the vinyl-covered wire branches into something approximating the shape of a pine tree. There will be several breaks for tea and cookies during this process (Earl Gray, of course!!) as well as numerous stops to partake of key moments in the film (" . . . I'm your Guardian Angel, George!" "Yea, wouldn't surprise me a bit!") The Boy helps me unfold and fluff the branches, and the whole process usually only takes an hour or so.

Next, we move on to the actual decorating part of this adventure! This is the part I like best, because I ain't the one who does it! This is The Wife and Boy's job. My participation consists of sitting on the couch, making helpful (and totally ignored) suggestions about bauble placement. I also take the initiative to arise from my seat and switch out "It's a Wonderful Life" for "Miracle on 34th Street" when it's time. (Both in their original B&W of course. Colorization is an evil, awful, thing and the rat-bastard who invented it should be horse-whipped!) The pair of them do a remarkable job each year of turning the plastic leviathan into a tree so lovely, that no one who comes into our home ever believes it's fake. We finish the tree off with a lovely Angel, holding a single candle, that The Wife purchased for our first Christmas together. She actually does the placing of the Angel (Cuz, the tree's like 8 ft. tall and The Wife is like: Gi-normous!) My short, pudgy, ass can't reach that high! Next will come dinner (usually simple -ordered- fare like a pizza or subs) followed by a long evening of watching Christmas cartoons (umm . . . and more cookies and candy!). We usually do "The Year Without a Santa Claus", followed by "Rudolph" and/or "Frosty". We've got damn near every one ever made, on DVD, so we get to watch when we wish. I do love me some Christmas cartoons! You ain't lived until you've had the chance to see me and The Boy doing our rendition of the "Snow-miser" song!

"V-V-V-V-V-V-V-V-V-V-V-V-V-V . . . . TOO MUCH!"

Putting up the tree takes most of an afternoon and the evenings are just for hanging about and being silly together. See, to me: that's a GREAT tradition. Stay tuned for more family-geekness in my next post!

Later!