Comfort Zones

I'm trying to leave my comfort zones. I'm trying to do things that I normally wouldn't. Here's the thing: I've always been fairly insecure when it come to doing physical stuff. Some of it was because of my weight, I'm sure, but a lot of it was just my belief that I wasn't as good at such things as other folks. I restricted myself to the realms of imagination and intellect because I always felt comfortable there. I've met folks in life who are smarter than I, but none so much that it made me feel inferior. Physically though . . . ahh! That be another tale entire!

Funny thing is, I'm really a decent athlete. I can play just about any sport without embarrasing myself, I hold (well . . . held. It's been 15+ years since I did it!) black belts in two martial arts, and I survived for years as a construction worker. You'd think all those things would make me comfortable with physicality, but no. I've always been leery about doing anything where I have to strain and sweat. I've always felt that I wasn't as strong or capable as other folks. Maybe it's a leftover from having four older brothers and being a late bloomer in high school . . . I don't know. "Why" doesn't matter anymore. I'm trying to move past it and just do what I want to do. It's getting a little easier now that I'm getting thinner of course. Running about with an extra 100 lbs. on your waist doesn't really help!

Over the weekend, I volunteered to become a certified belayer (the guy who holds the rope) so that the kids in my son's Troop can go rock climbing this summer. This meant also learning the basics of actually climbing. I spent Sat. morning in a Rock Gym, scuttling up and down walls. This was something I wouldn't even have considered just a few months ago. I have no fear of heights, I just wouldn't have even considered myself capable of such a thing. It was a blast! I don't think it'll become my new pastime or anything but I'll definitely be heading back out to the gym a few more times and I plan on taking a few turns at the real cliffs this summer! Tonight, I'm going to be working with a few other adults to teach the boys how to canoe properly. Since I have no idea how to canoe, this is the sort of thing I'd normally avoid, or at least face with a growing dread as the time approached. I'm actually looking forward to it. Before, even simple things, like jogging, would make me nervous and I'd start looking for excuses to avoid going out. Weird, eh? But then: y'all know I'm no kind of normal!

Whatcha think? Do I have confidence issues or what? :-)

It's funny . . . I've spent my entire life striving to be "something". To hit goals and benchmarks that would let me know I was doing things right. Granted, I missed most of 'em but I hit a few and none of them made me happy or satisfied. It was like each time I hit a goal, I'd just glance at it and start looking for what was next, certain THAT goal would be the one that would make things perfect. (Ok, so I'm a schmuck! What can I say?) Now, all I want to do is make myself better. I want to be healthy and calm. I want to work towards things that are important to me on the inside, not towards the external crap that will show other folks how "good" I am. I just want to take care of my family and enjoy my life without always worrying about how I'm measuring up, ya' know?

I still have goals, but they're personal goals that are important to no one but me. I've made the prime goal a simple one: "Be someone that you like being." That should work, right? ;-)

Later!