Well, it's 2:30 a.m and I can't sleep . . .
Been thinking about my writing and trying to figure out why I've been avoiding it of late. Two self-published books into the (wishfully!) professional career and I haven't written more than a few thousand words in the last year.Whenever I sit down to write I find a million excuses to avoid it and that's been bothering me a great deal. Plus, I'm pretty sure it's part of why I've been having trouble sleeping lately, so I figure I'll try and work it out here, online, with you (you poor bastards!)
To start with, I know that I've been very disappointed with the lack of interest in my books. I know that I should just be happy that anyone's read them at all and --to be fair -- the folks who did, have all been very complimentary (even the ones who aren't related to me and required to be!) Despite that, the truth is that I had hoped (like every author out there, I suppose) that when my brilliant works of fiction hit the InterWebs, that they would take off for the stratosphere, announcing the arrival of my authorial brilliance to all and sundry! Alas, the reality is my books have languished in the dull mud of earthen reality, as most self published novels do. Oh, don't get me wrong, I'm not whining about it (at least I'm trying not to!) I just know that the lack of response has left me feeling . . . Untalented? Unmotivated? Uninspired? Unworthy? Not really sure, but I know it's an "Un" word of some sort.
Another thing that's been bugging me is my complete lack of interest in updating/maintaining my blog and website. I was thinking about that quite a bit as I lay staring up at the flat white paint of my bedroom ceiling, yet again. It struck me as odd . . . after all, I kept a blog for years before publishing my books and enjoyed it immensely, yet now that I have my own website, it's been next to impossible for me to work up the motivation to sit down and write a simple post. My thinking has taken me to this: perhaps it's because I've been treating this site as a business marketing tool instead of a place to let my brain run free, like I used to do. Hence, the sitting here and rambling at you in the wee hours of the morning!
At the end of the day, I'm not sure I can approach my writing in quite the same way I do my day job. Marketing, sales, making contacts, pushing product . . . these are thing I comfortably do in my day job (and I'm quite good at them, actually!) but I don't like handling my stories that way.Well, that sure as hell doesn't bode well for my career as a professional novelist, now does it?
Thing is though, writing has always been my escape from the realities of the daily business grind and I've needed that separation to keep my sanity. Mixing the two isn't working well for me so I'm shifting back to older ways of doing things. For starters, you may notice that the blog I had running on this site is gone, replaced by my old Blogger account, so I can go back to writing about the things I want to instead of what i think I need to! I will continue writing my books (hopefully, with a bit more frequency!) and I still plan to continue self-publishing some of them but I think I may also go back to the traditional publishing route and start contacting some agents, etc. In the end, I want to write my stories and get them out there for people to read. The "pro" novelist concept is a nice one but I am not the guy to do all the back-end business of that, while still maintaining a regular creative process. If that's ever going to happen, i'll have to get professionals to help me. if my work isn't good enough to grab their interest, well . . . then I'll just continue dropping my novels out into the frozen wastelands of cyberspace and hope that the few dozen people who stumble across them enjoy the stories.
Either way, I need to move past my personal insecurities and just get back to writing. My plan (we'll see how it goes!) is to start back at it by writing here - not about my books and how great they are, and why you should buy them (bleh!) but about the things going on in my brain and how I feel about the crazy that I call 'my life' on any given day. Typing it out here helps me come to terms with my own stresses and fears and lets my mind go back to focusing on the fun stuff of creating fantasy worlds and stories. Sadly, that means you, gentle reader, will have to suffer through my endless blathering once more . . . or, you'll just be smart and ignore my posts! Ya know, whichever works for you.
Either way, I hope I vented enough for tonight to let my brain relax, so i'm going back to bed and (hopefully!) some needed sleep. G'night, folks!
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