Have I mentioned I'm taking an intro. Pysch course? (Final exam tomorrow . . .yuk!) Funny how life works sometimes. I took the course because it's a degree requirement and it happened along at a time in my life where I really needed some vocabulary and understanding to express what I've been doing inside my own little brain.
Seems I stumbled across the right combination of humanistic and cognitive theraputic approaches to address my own personal reinforcement contingencies. And I didn't even need to pay nobody for the help, how frikkin' cool is that, huh??? :-)
All it means is that I pulled away from the Freudian Psychodynamic model of my problems (Mommy and Daddy didn't love me enough!) and started looking at my own behaviors as reinforcing my problems in a never ending cycle. (I was bummed because I was fat/lazy/useless, so I sat on the couch eating cookies and moaning about how fat/lazy/useless I was.) That worked for me pretty damn well, since I always thought old Siggy was full of shit anyway. There are days when I don't know if I should laugh or cry over how simple it really was. I spent years hating myself, when all I had to do was work at doing the things I wanted to do . . . to BE the person I wanted to be, ya' know? Some days I'm furious that I wasted so much time before finding such a simple solution and other days I just want to laugh out loud because it all fell in place so simply once I accepted the answer. I always knew the answer, I think, but it seemed too damn simple for such big problems. Part of me worries some days that it really IS too easy; that I'm kidding myself and it will all come crashing down again any moment. That's when I have to take a breath and go out and do something physically positive (hence, why I get up and run every morning at 5:30 a.m. And DAMN, it's not fun when temps are in the low teens here in the NE of the USA!!!!) The simple act of moving forward with a positive act eliminates all the negative shit that tries to infect my brain. I have come to a single statement that I am living by and I didn't even need my Psych I class to get there:
"I am who I choose to be."
Simple, huh? Don't know if any of you can understand how hard that simple idea was for me to come by (Except you, Lynn. You know.) I came to a simple understanding that who I am right now doesn't have to be who I am tomorrow. I can become whatever I choose, just by doing the things that will get me there. The simple act of moving towards that person MAKES you that person. Is that some wildly simple shit, or what? I don't need anyone else's help, or any traumatic epiphany of my inner-child, I just need to do what makes me the guy I want to be.
Anyway, things are good. It's been ridiculously busy with the holidays and all but I'm loving it! I'm loving being with The Wife, Boy and Dog. Unexpected changes, being crazy busy, and stupid crap don't seem to freak me out any more . . . I iz one lo-stressin' dude!!!!
Later!
3 comments:
This makes sense on the face of it, Jim. As a matter of fact, this way of approaching things was my very first (and very lasting) way of doing things. I think that for many people it will probably work just fine. Unfortunately, I was not one of those people. Moving along and being and doing and 'creating self' was, for me, a way to run. I hadn't yet looked at the problem. I still don't HAVE all of the problem to look at. There are massive holes in my memories. Perhaps when I do have all the information I need, or as much as is relevent, this way that you are talking about will be a real tool for me instead of a way to deny things. I don't know if you understand what I mean, but I hope so. I read this book once. Actually I read it countless times. I had to carry it in my purse. It was called, "The Power of Positive Thinking". I think it almost made me have a nervous breakdown. I tried SO HARD to just do what you are saying. If I took my mind away, for ONE MOMENT, from active striving to be 'positive' and move ahead, my whole world would fall apart because the problem would get back in with a vengeance. So I took that to mean that I was on the lazy side and not working hard enough, so I worked harder, hoping that if I just concentrated on my life, that everything would be okay. It turned into obsessive compulsive disorder. Everythng was really, really clean and organized, though. :-) Unfortunately, as I am only human, I got very tired and became exhausted. As soon as I rested, everything blew up in my face. I can't live like that anymore. It doesn't mean that what you are saying won't work for many, many other people, though. I believe it can. I just think now, that people's problems all seem to be a little different.
And good for you for doing these great things for your life, Jim! I'm so proud of you!!
p.s. I still look for ways to stuff all this crap back down. If I get carried away with that, it all comes back to bite me in the ass. Maybe it's about balance. I'm trying to find it. Instead of stuffing, I'm practicing 'temporarily setting aside'. We'll see how it goes.
Lynn,
Your problems outweigh mine by a magnitude I can't even imagine. You gotta do what's best for you . . . what works for me may do damn all in your case! For me it was more a matter of NOT thinking about the issues so much but just letting myself be and do the things I wanted. That may be the worst thing for you, I honestly couldn't say. Denying things is definitely no good but focusing too heavily on the shit can be just as dangerous. I think balance is the right option but I imagine that's gotta be pretty hard to come by with all the weight you're carrying. If you can find a way to set at least some of it down (sounds simple, right? I know it's not!) for a while maybe balance might come easier. Walking a tightrope carrying 100 lbs. on your neck's gotta be a true bitch! :-)
Gotta say, I tried the "Positive Thinking" path as well and it did nothing for me. I needed to start "Doing" instead of just thinking. I started with very small things and just kept doing them, even when it seemed stupid as hell. It gave me sort of a stable baseline to build from, ya' know? Something as simple and normal as shopping for dinner without getting annoyed at the world helped move me in the right direction. I'm not saying small changes will fix your problems but they may help you into a mindset where you can start to view those issues from a more relaxed place.
Reading through your posts, it seems a lot of the small crap in life is weighing more heavily on you than it should. That can happen when you are shouldering the really bad crap . . . small things that you'd shrug off under normal circumstance become major catastrophes. You've got big issues of your own to work through and your son's problems aren't helping. Try to take some time to breathe once in a while and remember that the bad things don't make us who we are . . . how we respond to those things do. Laugh when you can, spend time with your little ones, take quiet walks, and take more pictures of the cool things you see.
Hope things are looking better today!
Later!
One of the issues that I have learned with all my differing levels of mental health is that eventually for true change to occur, it is absolutely necessary that one face one's demons in some way, shape, or form.
When the demons are incredibly scary to deal with, they have to be dealt with in bite-size chunks. Often times this comes in the form of movement forward followed but huge setbacks. This typically leads people to think that they are failures at becoming healthy, when in fact, they are really regrouping after a sometimes successful campaign. It is important that people recognize that little victories are still victories. Sometime when we defeat a demon, it only leads to a bigger badder demon that we had repressed. It is all such complex crap. The one I am currently dealing (*edit* add a "not' to this sentence, otherwise I would have another job by now) with has to do with employment, but I don't want to get into that here.
JA, It sounds to me like one of the demons that you had to deal with was liking yourself. Looks like you have nipped that one in the bud. You know, some of us out here in cyber-land would love to see some before and after shots.
It is so cool to see the transformation. This has been truly "A Novel Approach." was that too much? yeah, that last line was too much.
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