Friday, January 18, 2008

Hereditary Wisdom

Comments that entertain me (mainly because I’ve heard them a zillion times since I was a kid. My old man was a big one for “sayings”):

There’s no such thing as “early”. Just “late” and “on-time”.
And its counterpart . . .
The sad part about being on time is: there’s never anyone around to appreciate your punctuality.

Opinions are like assholes . . . everybody’s got one, and they all stink.

There are no stupid questions . . . just stupid people.

Marry in haste, repent at your leisure.

Nobody’s perfect, even I made a mistake once. (Wait for the fool who doesn’t know any better to ask what it was . . .) Well, I thought I’d made a mistake once. Turned out I hadn’t.

Never forget you’re a unique person! Of course, so is everyone else . . .

Always drink upstream of the herd.

Don’t eat the yellow snow.

I left home at 17 because I couldn’t tolerate my father’s ignorance. I returned at 20 and was amazed by how much the old man had learned in only three short years! (Mark Twain, I believe.)

Sometimes I think the whole world be crazy, save thee and me. Sometimes, I ain’t so sure about thee.

Joe Schmoe? (Insert name of someone you’ve never heard of that just came up in the conversation.) Of course I know him! He and I went to different schools together. Or, alternatively: His mother and my mother were both mothers together for years!

I never bothered to read The Bible. I peeked at the end . . . The Devil did it!

Yup, they say that the mind is the second thing to go when you get old . . . (for use whenever any male over 30 forgets something!)

All women are tramps, except for your mother and your sister! Of course, you need to remember that your mother was a tramp, and your sister will become one . . . (Sorry, I know that’s mean but it still makes me laugh!)

I don’t know much, but I know the difference between chicken shit and chicken salad.

I’m so broke, I can’t even afford to pay attention.

I brought you into this world and I can take you out! (Stolen freely from Bill Cosby.) My old man always liked to add: “and I can make another just like you in nine months!”

We keep trying to make technology “idiot-proof”. Problem is, the idiots are too damned inventive . . .

The difference between genius & stupid is that genius has limits . . .

My Mother: “Never marry for money, only for love!”
My Father: “Yea, but see if you can fall in love with some rich bitch!”

Money can’t buy happiness . . . but it can rent it for a good long while!

You’ve got champagne taste on a beer purse! (A favorite of mom’s!)

All animals are equal, but some are more equal than others. (George Orwell . . . the old man loved him!)

People aren’t smart, a PERSON is smart. People are frighteningly stupid.

I wouldn’t be so paranoid if you weren’t all out to get me!

I’m NOT bald! I’m just taller than my hair . . .

Even if there wasn’t a God, we’d need to invent one pretty damn quick!

Never argue with idiots. People may not be able to tell the difference.

Go ahead and make plans . . . God needs a good laugh.

Boy, you’re about a sharp as a bag full of hammers!

Come the next war, there’s gonna be three people missing: Me, and the two guys the army sends after me.

I’d love to engage in a battle of wits with you, but I never fight an unarmed man . . .

You don’t need to believe in God. He believes in you. He also knows where you live, so I’d think on that . . .

Lord, help me live a good and saintly life . . . just not yet.

I still don’t see what all this has to do with the Yankees! (Used whenever someone is babbling on at length.)

Here’s one my old man used to deadly effect on his children, whenever we got busted doing something stupid:
Dad: Why did you do that?
Me: Well, I didn’t think . . .
(interrupting) There you go! That’s the first smart thing I’ve heard you say all day!

I’d say you were dumb as a stump but I see no reason to insult trees.

Did your mother have any children that lived?

You must be the mailman’s kid! (used whenever my stupidity was too much for him to bear.)

Wow, there was a bit too much chlorine in your gene pool, huh? (pointing out that he was a contributor to that pool was not conducive to one's health!)

Boy, you’d lose your own damn head if God hadn’t sewn it on!

Why don’t you go play tag with the cars on the freeway?

And lastly, the old man made regular use of the parent’s curse: “God is just. One day, you’ll have a son JUST LIKE YOU, and I will look down from heaven and laugh my ass off!”

Oh, I just know the old SOB is giggling away! The chickens have come home to roost with a vengeance. I needed to review all these cuz The Boy is in need of some hereditary family wisdom these days . . . I find myself more and more doing my best imitation of my father . . . looking down over the top of my glasses, shaking my head in disbelief, and muttering: “There’s something wrong with that boy!”